Botched

I’ve thrived in an environment where reflections were a much common concept, and were even appreciated. Now, being in an environment where you lose track of even your thoughts, let alone reflections is kind of…’difficult’. But that lingering feeling of wanting to sit back, and look at things from a broader perspective, is the killer of all that I feel right now. I want it so badly to the point of not giving a single fuck about anything else in life, fucking it all up still, and then making it out with a smile broad as daylight; something we all realize is bullshit.

Why is it that I can just not sit back for the rest of my life and do nothing; because what I do right now, holds zero to no value to me, and I mean it in all the possible ways. It is and will be of no use to me – no matter what. No matter how hard I try. Now, I do understand the meaning of 'Purpose’; your 'Calling’. Yes, I understand those 'maniacs’, those 'fools' a bit better. The only few years of my life that I’ve loaned, something that I can count on my fingers, will be spent just like this, and that thought, I tell you, is very scary! Scary to the point that I just want to give up, and not have to tell anyone that I’m worth something. I do not want any affection or sympathy, but what I do want is peace and space. Is that too much to ask for?! This time I’m not going to say, "I don’t think so".

There’s this suffocation of being something, of not being useful enough, of not making it somewhere in life – this pressure that kills under the name of 'growth’. An unnecessary hassle seeing the vastness of this universe and beyond; where your mere existence doesn’t even amount up to anything, and even if it does for some lives, they too are to perish sooner or later.

I do realize that this might be a very pessimistic approach towards life, but what else is the truth? We make up excuses to give reasons and justify life; 'a meaningful life’. In retrospect, why is it then that all worries of the world seem so small? Why is it that the life that you’ve spent, a lot of it seemed like a waste? Why is it that before you let out your last breath, you seem to have all the time in the world, and yet all you want to do is lay down and just take another breath?

Well, seems like a continuation for another day, where the world would start to seem so small again! :)